The World According To Lena
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: Sometimes you owe someone everything. WK fic.
1. Prologue

**Chapter one – Prologue**

They had argued over the color of the walls, the arrangement of the room and the furniture material. But not over the name. It had imposed itself to them with such a logic they hadn't even felt the urge to actually discuss it. Perhaps this was what life was supposed to be: a series of evident elements at times punctuated with so-called decisions that weren't even worth it. If she thought about it retrospectively, it seemed like they had followed that scheme throughout the years that had now flown away to a land of memories. They were still vivid in her head but she knew that soon enough they would become blurry.

A ray of light suddenly pierced through the room as the door got opened ajar and the shadow of a cat began to dance on the walls. She welcomed the animal on her lap, caressed him but kept her eyes fixed on the dress hung up in front of her. The lamp from the corridor was embracing the piece of clothing of a golden shade, a warm one. It looked perfect, delicate and subtle enough to shine elegantly even in the darkness of the night.

"You had chosen a very pale pink when I wanted something ivory. We argued for several days until you came back one evening with the first tin of paint echoing ivory shades. I never thanked you for it. I am sorry..."

She smiled as he settled behind her, passed his arms and legs around her frame then planted a kiss on her shoulder before resting his chin there. If someone had entered the room at this exact moment, their presence on the floor – in the dark - would have set off a wave of interrogations led by perplexity.

"**It is just one of their things that nobody really understands. You know, it is Karen and Will."**

Thinking about the comment Jack could have come up with, she restrained a laugh – tightened her grip on Will's arms instead. She didn't feel lonely but abandoned, at the mercy of the passing of time and she hated it. A shiver ran down her spine and made her frown, look down at her lap where the cat had fallen asleep now.

"You can be convincing when you want to. I was growing tired of your constant silence... That's why I abdicated to your plea."

A smile on her lips, she leaned her head backwards – against his shoulder – then closed her eyes. It was too quiet around, too empty as well. Not a single sound escaped from the street below, the traffic being almost nonexistent at this hour of the night in The Upper West Side. At least by day she got taken away by the effervescence of the city and didn't have time to face herself as she was now.

"I couldn't sleep..."

If until then she had meticulously kept them for herself – when in the bathroom, under the shower – she let go this time and accepted the tears to run down quietly on her cheeks. She should have been happy but the thing was that she had never done good with conventionalism when her heart told her the exact opposite. It was all occurring too quickly. She wasn't ready for any of this.

"Where the hell did she get such an idea? It can't be from us, we are not even married..."

Perhaps she had insisted too much on the poor importance of a marriage in the success of a relationship and thus set off in her daughter's head the exact opposite – causing a strong desire to try what was kind of prohibited. She hadn't done that in purpose but simply basing herself on her very own story.

"The world according to Lena offers a very different perspective. Besides, it won't change anything for us. She has left a while ago now and is old enough to take her own decisions."

His wisdom balanced her impulsive temper but left her most of the times extremely frustrated. It was a matter of envy, unreachable desires to look like him. She lacked patience and was too emotive when he always brought along the perfect ounce of maturity. At least to her eyes. Perhaps she idealized him but what could she say? She was in love with him.

"I wish we could go back to the very beginning when she was sleeping in a crib and we still had time to live... Why did it have to fly away like that? I didn't want her to leave."

Because Lena represented too much if not everything - all the elements that had given sense to her life for the past twenty years. And without her, references broke down into pieces. Too suddenly.

Will's hand brushed her forehead and planted a kiss there before burying his head in her neck, probably tasting the salt of her tears that had come to die there.

"I wish that too..."

But Will had the capacity to overcome this kind of things when she cruelly lacked it. It always brought her back to the very beginning when nothing looked easy but she couldn't help hoping for changes. It had happened, slowly enough and unexpectedly. Thanks to him. Thanks to Lena.

"Come on, let's go back to sleep. Tomorrow is a big day... Our daughter gets married."

If his fingers hadn't been intertwined with hers, Karen wouldn't have stood up then followed Will. Instead, she would have let the night pass by staring blankly at the bedroom a little girl had inhabited once. The furniture might have changed through the years but the walls had remained ivory – matching the wedding dress hung by the window. Bittersweet symbol of the passing of time and of the world, according to Lena.


	2. Happy Birthday

**Chapter two – Happy Birthday**

_Twenty years before..._

The snow had been falling for a long time now, embracing the buildings of The Upper West Side and covering the asphalt of the streets through a veil of delicate whiteness. It brought a peculiar shade to the night, the elegance of iciness melting into the abruptness of life and the city remained quiet before it; perplexed as if it were the first time such a weather invaded Manhattan. Behind the window of Riverside Drive temporary bedroom, Karen observed the scene in silence. If the evening had flown away – gone smoothly – the night had plunged her into a dry lethargy when seconds seemed to weigh and last an eternity. Insomnia. The dark sky hiding a timid moon behind heavy clouds had always been favorable for her doubts, ideas twirling around in her head to make her feel dizzy and vulnerable. She hated it.

Reaching for a glass of water but realizing that it was empty, she left her precarious position on top of the desk then made her way to the kitchen. On her tiptoes, she didn't want to wake up Will. Under other circumstances it would have amused her but beset as she was by her doubts, she just needed to avoid a late night conversation with him for the moment. And another argument because as long as Stanley did not transfer money to her account, she had nowhere else to go.

Bottle of water in hand, she didn't go back to her bedroom immediately and decided to sit down on the couch of the television area instead. From there she would still be able to observe the snow and let her wonders dance around in her head, piercing their way to her heart with determination, stubbornness. It left a bitter taste on her mind, then.

"Succumbing to birthday soul-searching?"

His voice made her jump and as she turned around to look at Will in the dark – the pale light of a lamp caressing the hardwood floor in the distance – Karen realized she had been sitting there for quite a long time, losing notion of minutes passing by. The slow dance of the snow outside had rocked her to a state of semi-sleep, some sort of hypnosis she had abdicated to easily.

Folding her legs under herself to make him some room on the sofa, she shrugged and turned her head back to the window. For years she had hated the idea to be born in January. It was a cold month, dark and rather pessimistic. Now she just assumed that it matched her temper perfectly, embracing her quiet melancholy and leading her to the depths of a dying world with a disturbing logic.

"I haven't achieved the slightest thing..."

She might have celebrated her birthday in the evening, her mind was already focused on the next year when she turned forty. It had looked so far, all along. Cruel illusion. And now she was divorcing for the third time, not even owning her place and being thus forced to stay at a friend's in the meantime. If she had been looking for security and constancy, obviously she had failed. Miserably.

"What do you mean?"

"I am thirty-nine years old... Look at me. Look at what I have done... Nothing, absolutely nothing."

All of a sudden she didn't really care anymore. Perhaps she owed her indifference to the darkness of the room and the impersonal light of the night over their faces. She didn't know but still felt like letting go, for once. She wasn't drunk. The cheap wine of the Chinese restaurant was already far behind. Her head wasn't numbed but by the sober shades of truth. It was harsh, though.

It made him laugh. Her comment – bare confession – lit up a smile on his lips as a light laugh escaped in the night. It wasn't judgmental, even less intentional. Just oddly sweet in all its impulsiveness.

"And what kind of achievements should you have completed by now?"

The problem was that she had no idea. As much as the realization had been twirling around in her head, she hadn't found the slightest solution to it, if there had to be any. Her life was out of control and before her friends' own existences, nothing came up but envy.

She envied Grace for being married, lusted for Jack's naivete and couldn't stand Will's arrogance for not being able to have the exact same one that would finally bring her the self-confidence she was lacking.

Water slid down her throat and she regretted to not have grabbed a bottle of vodka instead. At least the world looked softer when lost in the vapors of alcohol. A lot less complicated. The leaf of a tree came to crash on the terrace, embracing the snow with fragility before disappearing under it. She observed it for a long moment, blankly.

"Maybe... Maybe I am just a bit lonely."

She didn't like the way it sounded, how the words hit the air and floated above their heads for infinite seconds before crashing loudly on the floor, against the walls. Everywhere around. Her despair was too relevant all of a sudden. Will cleared his voice nervously.

"It is just a bad patch, you will get through it. We always do... And I know that this isn't a five-star hotel but in the meantime you can stay here, as long as you need. I mean, we had a chaotic beginning but I'm sure we can hold on the distance and prove everyone around how wrong they have been. Who knows if we aren't quite a good team?"

**I like thinking that everything started there, at this exact moment when Will advanced the idea that we were meant to be; obviously not as a couple but still... It is a symbol for all the things that happened to us from then on. Because he was right, at the end. Twenty years have passed by and I haven't moved out yet. My loneliness? It vanished away that night, I guess. Slowly, subtly...**


	3. Achievements

**Chapter three – Achievements**

It had hit her mind during another sleepless night. Without any warning, just like that. She had been staring at the ceiling for a while – counting the seconds passing by – when all of a sudden the situation had revealed itself with a rare clarity. An odd evidence that had taken her aback until a warm sensation had spread over her body. The weight on her chest had vanished and for the first time Karen had tasted the savor of hope. Perhaps nothing was really over yet and her life could still make sense.

With a Cartesian spirit, she had planned everything from the beginning to the end – made research and read a hundred articles to build up her argumentation. Because it wouldn't be easy to convince anyone, to dare and give it a try. Not that she had doubts about herself or her strong determination to reach each one of her projects but for once it didn't depend on her which made the situation look very different.

She had just poured herself a glass of wine when the door of the Riverside Drive apartment flew open and Will came in. Taking a deep breath, she forced a smile and pushed aside every single element that could have broken down her chances – like the loud, fast beats of her heart or the way her hands didn't stop shaking uncontrollably. One unfortunate word and it would be over, definitely.

"Dinner is ready. I hope you are hungry..."

Living temporarily together was tough. They had argued again the day before, for absolutely no reason but the mere pleasure to enjoy the satisfaction it left on their minds afterward. Some sort of frustration released by words, a series of remarks they mostly didn't even think about in the first place but that still brought along a relieving effect.

As she had expected, Will froze instantly at her remark then looked at the table – the wine poured into their respective glasses, chicken resting in the oven and waiting to be served. The main element she had to follow was a complete transparency. She didn't want to lie to him, didn't want to pretend the slightest thing when obviously, the evening wouldn't be a usual one made of invectives and random talks. Karen needed him, badly.

"I can cook... No big deal..."

Her sounding casual didn't seem to reassure him that much. With perplexity Will nonetheless headed to the table, sat down at it and took a sip of wine. She didn't like his silence, hadn't planned it at all. As a matter of fact, she had imagined that he would have gone straight at it and asked her the reason of this dinner – the efforts she had made when she wasn't used to. But instead Will remained bare, and quiet.

"I have found my achievement."

His constant perplexity suddenly made her panic. Perhaps all of this wasn't such a good idea in the end and she would do better renouncing to it even before making a fool of herself. Anyway, it was a crazy idea that didn't make much sense. She should probably forget about it once and for all, before it being too late and she plunged into desperate regrets. But no, instead she preferred to insist.

"You know... The achievement I was wondering about... On my birthday night... You found me on the couch there by the television and... And we talked for a while."

Then it made sense in his head, lighting up his eyes as an obvious relief seemed to embrace his whole body. His reaction only managed to increase her very own nervousness. She grabbed her glass of wine, took a long sip. The jazz music playing in the background had suddenly lost its smoothing effect – just as her self-confidence had vanished in the air without any warning.

"You see... It was only a matter of time. We all have achievements to make and face at some point. So what is yours?"

"A child. This is my achievement. I want to have a child. With you..."

She hadn't taken her time to think about it twice, just in case she would have lost her courage to say it out loud. She hadn't exactly followed her plans either – all the sentences she had built up in her head, a good and strong argumentation. Somehow she had been caught up back by the moment and simply blurted it out.

"After all Grace was your backup plan and now that she is married... It makes it all different, doesn't it? It seems logical and perfect if you think about it. You want a child. I want one too. We are both singles and our lives are obviously too complicated to even think about a more classic way to achieve such..."

"Have you lost your mind, Karen? We can barely stand each other more than five minutes a day and raising a child means... Well, it means the exact opposite of what we are to each other. Besides, I don't want to sleep with you and..."

"Haven't you heard about artificial insemination? This was your choice until Grace met Leo. I am sure that it can work. I... I will buy a townhouse and each of us will have one floor so our child will be able to see both of us whenever he or she wants, needs to. I won't be intrusive in your life. This is not what I am looking for. I am serious about it, Will. And even though we don't always get along, I nonetheless think that we would be good parents – together. We can overcome our differences... It is our last chance to have a child. Let's face it."

**The phone rang at this exact moment. I remember that none of us moved for long seconds before Will finally stood up to get the call. It was Grace, wishing nothing but a random talk. I remained there all along, observing him as he conversed with his friend – his soul mate to be honest – as if nothing had happened. A storm was going on in my head, ideas balancing between him accepting my unexpected request and a final renouncement as he would turn me down. When he ended up the call, I knew that I had lost. He said that he was sorry but he couldn't do it. Too complicated. As for the jazz music, Lena Horne was singing.**


	4. Disillusioned Decisions

**Chapter four – Disillusioned Decisions**

Taking her shoes off before stepping into the apartment late in the night had turned into a ritual since the day Will had drawn a line under her motherhood hopes. At times she wanted nothing but to go back to Riverside Drive to spend there the rest of the evening but knowing that she would have to face him, she remained clutched to the bar counter of some lounge midtown until she was sure that her roommate had headed to bed and her presence at his place would be safe from any awkwardness between the two of them. Anyway she would leave soon enough now that Stanley had transferred money to her account. Then she would turn the page over everything and start it all over again. As if nothing had happened.

A week had passed by since she had asked Will for a child – silence melting into embarrassment, slowly. They barely talked, never made eye-contact. Something had got broken during that evening and they had been left with ashes, a precarious friendship that might never find back the singular charms of its beginning.

As quietly as possible, Karen closed the door behind her and headed to her bedroom – in the dark. She had drunk too much that evening – for whatever reason – and now the room was slowly floating before her eyes while a warm sensation was wrapping up her body. She liked the world that way – numbed, some sort of fragility emanating from it. She didn't feel vulnerable by then, didn't feel at its mercy.

Finally making it to her bedroom, she turned the lights on, abandoned her stilettos on the floor and with clumsiness unzipped her dress. She was exhausted, and cold. Winter evenings in New York could seem to last forever when you had nowhere to go and you were condemned to wander from an insignificant place to another.

"Let's do it."

The sleeves of her dress had slid down her arms when his voice resounded loud in her back. She jumped, obviously surprised by his presence there at almost midnight. They had been living under the same roof for almost a month and she already knew most of his habits. At times she even came to think that they actually looked like an old couple, taken away in a monotone routine. And at this hour of the night, Will should have been in bed for quite a while.

"What are you talking about?"

Her heart was beating loud in her chest – hitting her temples at a regular pace. She would have a major headache in the morning, and wouldn't go to work. Instead she would remain in bed staring blankly at the ceiling – studying her life, all the things she hadn't achieved so far. Usually it only brought a series of dark thoughts, bitter conclusions and the sentiment that she should keep on drinking – and smoking.

All of a sudden she noticed Will's nervousness and what she had taken for shadows on his face turned clearly into red embarrassment. Her brain was going slow through the vapors of alcohol and it took her long seconds to realize that she had taken off her dress to her waist – facing thus her friend in a lacy bra and nothing else. Quickly she adjusted her dress back but remained quiet. Will should have been in his bedroom by now, probably sleeping or finishing the novel he had been reading. Eventually out on a date but not on her door frame with such a worried face.

"The child... This baby, of you and me... Let's do it."

His words hit her mind but didn't make sense immediately. Instead, they began to dance around some sort of a waltz that made her feel dizzy. Taken aback – speechless – Karen sat down on the edge of her bed and observed her hands in silence. They were resting on her lap, a bit disarmed. Pointless. Against all expectations, the only emotion that seemed to pass underneath her skin was fear if not panic.

"Why did you change your mind?"

"Because you were right... You are right, about me and everything you said that evening. Perhaps it is not such a bad, inconceivable idea. And the truth is... I want a baby. I want to be a father so badly."

For some reason, the image of dices getting thrown made it to her head – how a simple gesture of the hand could determine all the rest, not just a mere game at a casino but a life. Within a second you could win and head to another path. Or remain there, behind. Losing your turn. It was time to take decisions, make abstraction of alcohol that slowed down her wonders and articulate instead a wise answer. Although to be honest, she had already sobered up.

"Alright..."

Without a gaze towards Will, she let him go back to his bedroom. As if nothing had happened. As if they hadn't talked or taken the slightest decision upon their very own existence.

**I didn't fall asleep that night. A thousand ideas had invaded my mind and I stared blankly by the window how the moon vanished behind the sun, slowly. Peacefully. I should have been happy if not just ecstatic – after all Will had finally accepted my request – but I wasn't. Instead I kept on having doubts, invisible regrets upon something I couldn't properly name. ****The next morning we make an appointment with the clinic – a basic checkup and a random introduction to artificial insemination. For long hours I felt like confessing everything to Grace... To Jack. But I respected Will's desire to keep it all quiet. He turned out to be right. ****At 39 years old, my chances to face a successful insemination had been reduced to a mere 10%, almost nothing in a word... Why would it work? I might have taken some decisions, a five- minute talk had been enough to make them all look like disillusioned.**


	5. It Is About Loneliness

**Chapter five – It Is About Loneliness**

The tear seemed to slide along her eye, embracing the red shade of her pupil before running down her cheek through a path of black mascara. Immediately she pressed a tissue under the eyelid in order to absorb the salty liquid but within a second another tear showed up and came to die in the corner of her lips – brushing her tongue bitterly.

She had promised to herself that she wouldn't cry, that according to the circumstances she would accept the facts with wisdom and faith. But there she was now, sobbing in silence a few feet away from Grace and Jack who had no idea about her state of mind. Thinking about it retrospectively, they should have waited instead or rushing on a test that had 90% of chance to turn out negative. They had a concert in the evening – would be taken aback by time if things didn't happen to own a joyful ending. She hadn't minded that much, probably numbed by utopian hopes.

She wasn't pregnant. After a month and a half of medical checkups and hormonal injections, it had not worked. For long seconds they had remained quiet – staring at the pregnancy test blankly as if it would change the sign supposed to appear on the stick. It wasn't just about frustration but a sentiment of total emptiness, of suddenly feeling disarmed in spite of numerous and exhausting efforts to reach a positive result even though statistics should have dragged them down since the very beginning. Jack had arrived and she had excused herself rushing to her bedroom, test in hand.

They hadn't even had time to talk about it, not that their politically correct remarks would have changed the slightest thing but still... The bad timing had thrown a delicate sensation over their failing and alone in her bedroom – her friends' voices sounding loud in the background – Karen didn't know what to do. The tears wouldn't stop, reddening the usual whiteness of her eyes. Her breath was short, painful on her heart. She didn't feel like going out, even less face her friends.

"Karen, are you ready? We are waiting for you!"

"I am coming... Just a few minutes more, please."

Against all expectations, her voice sounded low – extremely low. It showed great control in spite of the fact she had absolutely no hold over the situation. Barely over her own life.

She avoided Will's gaze as making her way to the living-room. If her eyes had landed on him, the smile she had forced on her lips would have broken down into a thousand pieces – the tears coming back to run down her cheeks. Cigarette in hand, she kissed Jack lightly and headed out of the apartment, unable to bear a slightest second more in it.

Alcohol or loud music – eventually a wicked mix of both – it strategically made her forget about it all. Sat on an old sofa at some underground club, Karen let the ephemeral atmosphere invade her lungs – win over her head bewitchingly – as the smile on her lips seemed lighter and lighter, almost true. Speaking wasn't required there and somehow, she welcomed it gladly. If there hadn't been any concert, she would have had to face Will and the cold living-room of The Riverside Drive apartment. Face her own failing. It would happen at some point, she knew it, but for the moment she was winning time over it.

"You don't look very fine..."

The snow was falling quietly, at its own pace in spite of the loud music in the background. Responding to a urge of nicotine, she had headed out of the club for a few minutes – joined by a crowd of strangers clutched to their cigarettes as if their existences depended on it. Letting Grace's words made their way to her head, she stared at her feet. The black stilettos contrasted sharply with the whiteness of the snow. It offered an odd scene, a singular patchwork of antithetic colors. She didn't like it.

"What do you mean?"

"Why, you tell me... Are you alright? Is this because of Will? By the way, why haven't you moved out yet? I thought it was temporary."

A veil of tears embraced her eyes again. The contact was harsh with the snow, the icy air. Swallowing them back, she took a deep breath and shrugged at Grace. So many questions remained unanswered – more or less fair ones if she had to be honest. Why she had divorced three times, why she didn't have the right to get pregnant just like any other woman, why Will had finally accepted her peculiar request. She might have asked him, it was obvious that he hadn't been entirely sincere in his reply. She just hadn't insisted. After all the only thing that had importance in his choice was that he hadn't renounced to it.

"We might drive each other insane, I still kind of like not being alone. Especially now..."

"It might be a good thing for Will as well. I mean you already have all these little rituals of yours, like Italian take-away on Tuesday and whatever... I don't mind, on the contrary. I got married so it changed the perspectives. I can't spend as much time with Will as I used to. It is pure logic, isn't it? That's why I am glad that you are here for him when I am with Leo in Brooklyn. But still... There is nothing wrong about being sad at times, Karen. You shouldn't try to hide it."

**I didn't lose a child. There was nothing in the first place, nothing susceptible to hold on hope over a life. It is a very tough experience, with a lot of self-wondering and all of a sudden the only cause you find is you - your incapacity to even achieve the most basic reason of your presence here. In this world. It hurts more than what one can imagine. Deep inside, somewhere behind your heart. It burns and make you feel empty, pointless. Then it is all about loneliness.**


	6. Based Upon Nothing

**Chapter six – Based Upon Nothing**

For some mysterious reason, she counted the steps as she left the bathroom and headed to the kitchen where Will was preparing dinner. Nine. It took her nine steps – a number that, all of a sudden, sounded bitterly ironic in her head. Cruel as well. Her eyes abandoned the contemplation of the floor but instead of landing on his brown ones, they stopped on the reflection of her body in the French door that led to the terrace. Down on her stomach, desperately flat. Passing a hand over it, she clenched her teeth for a few seconds and only began to speak once her heartbeats had calmed down – the tears buried.

"It didn't work..."

The words had been too low – almost inaudible – but Will nonetheless looked up at her, bottle of wine in hand. He hadn't understood and she would have to repeat louder this time. Except she wasn't sure it was actually possible. She lacked the strength to do so, the strength to face it again. It hurt almost more than after their first attempt.

"I am not pregnant. It failed... Again."

This time she hadn't rushed into anything – hadn't tried to run ahead of nature – but the result was still the same at the end. A month and a half of tough procedures for a complete nothingness. It wasn't hard but cruel, desperately painful.

"When did you buy a pregnancy test? I thought that we had agreed on waiting for a week before trying to know if..."

"I didn't buy one. I didn't need to."

"Then how do you know for sure that you aren't pregnant?"

Karen's eloquence in public only found a resonance in a deep shyness during intimate moments. She hadn't thought about such antithesis that much, assuming it was purely a bare weapon to face the world but it still happened to be troubling for whoever had suddenly to deal with her in the intimacy. Like Will. His question made her blush and avoiding his gaze, she shrugged – cleared her voice nervously.

"I have my period."

She wished the phone had rung or someone had entered the apartment – anything that would have put an end to the embarrassing silence that followed her comment. But instead and as if life had decided to play with her nerves, everything remained desperately quiet. Heavy on her shoulders. Perhaps if tears happened to run down her cheeks, it would relieve her from the weight she was suffering but her eyes were dry – her heart empty.

"It is fine, Kare... I mean, it was only the second time anyway. And I read in a magazine that the average was five trials so you see, there is nothing to worry about."

Nodding, she made an awkward step towards Will but stopped as he remained still. She wished he had taken her in his arms if only for a few seconds instead of a politically correct remark that sounded cold like her heart. But he hadn't moved, hadn't seemed to feel this urge. Logically enough, after all she had never asked for such gesture of attention especially from him. He cleared his voice, suddenly.

"I should hurry up now and get ready or I will be late. Well... I made pasta, with smoked salmon. There is a chocolate cake for dessert if you want some. Gabriel has booked a table for two at _Pastis _and you know how the traffic is downtown at this hour of the day."

Perplexed, Karen stared at Will leave the kitchen – abandon a dish towel by the counter – and head to his bedroom at a quick pace. For long seconds she remained alone by the table fixing the fireplace in front of her until her own feet led her towards his room. The door was wide open, clothes laid on the bed in a game of matching colors and fabric.

"What do you think, Armani jeans with a black cashmere sweater or a gray one?"

"I don't give a flying fuck."

Obviously her reply took Will aback and he stayed still – astonished – with both sweaters in hand, his eyes locked with her hazel ones in the most utter perplexity. Perhaps she should have thought about it twice before making such comment. Because it had sounded harsh, and rather unfair. But at this point she couldn't care less about consequences and other conventions. She was suffering and needed him.

"I don't want you to go on a date, with Gabriel or any other man. At no moment."

A laugh escaped from Will's lips.

"Excuse me? Listen, I know that it is a pretty bad timing if we consider... Well, if we consider that the insemination has failed and believe me, it is a tough moment for me as well but... I have my life. You can't ask me to renounce to it like that. And even though you were pregnant... I mean, you said that you wouldn't be intrusive so if I want to go on a date, I will."

The anger was boiling in her stomach – just where she had passed her hand over a few minutes earlier when facing her reflection in the French door. Tears were pressing on her throat, preventing her from breathing properly. Fists clenched, Karen shook her head at him.

"Then maybe it is a sign, you know. If you prefer to go out for a one-night stand with a guy who will have forgotten to your name tomorrow instead of making plans with me it obviously means that maybe you should reconsider your role in all of this. Somehow it is a chance that this is happening now. After all I haven't got pregnant yet so you can run away from it without fearing consequences."

"What are you talking about? We aren't even a couple, Karen! You aren't making sense at all. Damn... I don't want to argue. Not now. Not tonight."

"You are right. Besides, there is nothing to argue about. Absolutely nothing. So we should stop it now. Stop everything because it doesn't work anyway and I can't handle it anymore... I am off."

**He went on his date and I cried for the rest of the night – packed. I didn't even leave a note when the doorman came to pick up my suitcases and I stepped into a cab at some point close to midnight. I was mentally exhausted. Will was in his right to go out with someone but I hated it – couldn't stand the idea. He had to be mine and just mine. For a child who didn't even exist but in my mind. **


	7. While You Were Away

**Chapter seven – While You Were Away**

She had suddenly lacked air as the room had begun to spin around and her heart had slowed down its pace. Her legs – too fragile to carry her a second more – had abdicated and she had lost her balance. If Jack hadn't been there, she would have fallen down while losing consciousness. It had happened once. Trying to reach an armchair, she had hit the corner of a table as the world had turned dark and she opened her eyes again to an odd sensation on her temple – blood running down her skin. This time she had just landed on her friend's arm, unexpectedly enough but with softness.

"Karen, are you alright?"

An instinctive tear brushed her cheek before sliding along her lips. It wasn't an act of sadness but some reaction from her body that she couldn't entirely explain. Sat down on the sofa of her hotel suite, she let a few seconds fly away as her heart caught back on a more regular pace. Spring seemed to have finally pushed away the gray sky of winter. It was a beautiful day outside – the sun piercing through the large windows and coming to caress her shoulders. A warm embrace that calmed her down, little by little.

"Karen, speak to me. You are very pale... Do you want a glass of water or something?"

She dismissed the offer with a gesture of the hand but nonetheless remained on her seat. She felt dizzy, rather fragile. A cloud must have passed in front of the sun because all of a sudden, the warmth in her back vanished – without any warning. The change of temperature sent a shiver down her spine.

"I am fine. It is nothing, honey. Really, everything is okay. Don't be worried. I haven't felt very well for the past few days. Probably a virus..."

"Are you sure that it isn't something else? Like... I don't know... Could you be pregnant?"

Jack's rather innocent question took her aback, pressing on a painful scar that hadn't really vanished yet from her heart. It had been three months now that she had left Will's place in the middle of the night – renouncing to a parental alliance with him. It hadn't worked, twice. And obviously, they didn't see the whole situation from the same perspective. Together, they were bound to fail. Obviously.

Before her perplexed – blank – gaze, Jack stood up and went to pour some water in a glass. Tending it to her, he simply shrugged and opened his eyes wider.

"Why just because you don't tell us anything doesn't mean that you have been living like a nun since your divorce from Stanley. Don't take it bad but I seriously doubt so."

The water was cool against her throat but her hands kept on shaking nonetheless. She probably needed sugar and some rest. For the last few days she had wondered about her future, her eventual motherhood that had severely been compromised since her argument with Will. For some reason she couldn't accept the idea that her child wouldn't have a father. Perhaps because hers had passed away too early.

"I am not pregnant. Are you reassured, now? I am not expecting a child. I haven't been late or anything like that. It must be a little virus. Nothing big..."

She finished off the glass of water, put it down on top of a pile of fashion magazines and only turned around to face Jack's ecstatic smile.

"So... Who are you dating, Karen?"

…

The colors of the sky had changed though she wasn't able to say if they had actually got darker or on the contrary, brighter. It just wasn't the same anymore. Even the buildings around her had adopted new shades – passers-by walked to a new pace. Was this how it would work from now? If so then she would need time to adapt herself to it, her whole life maybe.

She could have hailed a cab but preferred to walk instead all the way up to Riverside Drive. She needed some fresh air and time to observe the world going on around. Her heart was beating loud – too much according to the medical checkup she had just had. Not that it was a surprise, her blood pressure had always been too high.

At least her long walk had given her enough time to elaborate a scenario – to prepare a few sentences in what would turn out to be her first face-to-face with Will since they had argued three months earlier. It wouldn't be easy, for whatever reason. It was a feeling she was having, that pressed on her heart with an impressive dose of invisible panic.

As she passed the door of the Riverside Drive apartment, Will stood up from the couch and remained still – hands in the pockets of his jeans – balancing on his feet nervously. It was an odd realization for her to see that someone else didn't behave alike when in private, just like her. It had never happened before, as far as she could remember.

"I hope I didn't ruin your plans for the evening with my last-minute call."

Of course they had seen each other since she had moved out to a midtown palace but never alone and without Grace or Jack, the situation adopted a whole different light. It was heavy, thick but sweet and true somehow.

"No... It is fine. What do you want? Wine or Vodka?"

Will had already turned on his heels and headed to the kitchen to get her a drink – a usual instinct when knowing her. It made her smile, timidly. But she didn't waste any time.

"I am pregnant."

**It is strange because you don't feel the slightest thing at the beginning. It all remains very blurry, almost surreal. I hadn't put on weight that much and except for the dizziness, nothing had come to a change. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't had this medical checkup on a sunny afternoon of May. How many other months of pregnancy I would have missed... How many other hours I would have wasted without knowing that you were there, inside of me.**


	8. The Concept of Family

**Chapter eight – The Concept of Family**

Looking at her reflection in the mirror, the idea that her so-called perfect plans might actually result in the biggest mistake of her life was slowly making it to Karen's head. Subtly – perniciously. Changes were still rather invisible but instead of welcoming them with impatience, she only managed to face the whole situation with uneasiness and embarrassment. Almost guilt – some sort of shame. Every day she observed the covers of pregnancy magazines and stared with perplexity at the radiant smiles the models had on their lips wondering why she couldn't be like them – why it didn't work with her properly.

And there she was now – unable to zip up her dress. She hadn't put on weight that much but her curves had changed. Little by little. Biting her lower lip, she looked down at her feet and frowned as tears tried to make their way to her eyes. She hated all of this: the morning sickness, the medical checkups and the infinite series of things she wasn't allowed to have anymore – from drinks to food. Perhaps she should have thought about it twice before deciding to have a child though if she had to be honest, she wouldn't have imagined that it would be like that.

"It doesn't fit anymore?"

Her hazel eyes landed on Will and with a latent sadness she shook her head at him. It had been a month now since she had told him about her pregnancy. Under a common agreement, she had moved back to his place and all of a sudden things had begun to fall into place – as if it were logical enough to be lived and shared. The truth was that she was glad not to be alone anymore. It had been tough. Heavy.

"How about the black dress you bought on Thursday? It is a very nice one."

She let him unzip the dress she had put on then stepped out of it. They had grown closer but with such an artificiality – as if pushed up by things – that it left a bitter taste on her mouth. It was exactly what she had always lacked with men. Some sort of logic that would have gone throughout the years. Instead all her relations had been stereotyped and thought a hundred times before being lived as if she weren't worth simplicity – reality.

"It is a pregnancy dress..."

"Why, aren't you pregnant?"

If Will had laughed to her comment, the words she had used embraced her coldly and she clenched her fists before the odd resonance they left above her head. It was all about assuming them. Hard task.

…

She had followed his advice. The black dress still hid her curves – the bump on her stomach that only four-month pregnant women could have. For a moment now she had been afraid of people touching her inadvertently. Then they would guess – especially Jack who used to be so close in her day-to-day life. It wasn't that she hadn't wanted to tell him but following a common agreement with Will, they had stayed silent until reaching a certain stage – just in case.

"I have been dying for your lasagna since I have moved out to live with Leo!"

A dinner had seemed to be very cliched but yet they hadn't found any other way to announce it to their friends. Will didn't lack self-confidence as she did. She could feel it emanate from him, by her side as she remained desperately quiet and fake.

She wouldn't be able to wait for the end of the evening. The minutes would adopt eternal shades as a lot of doubts would make it to her head. It had to be now – at the beginning while they had just sat down at the table.

"There is something Will and I would like to tell you."

Her voice had sounded clear – fragile but nonetheless owning an ounce of determination that had made them all turn their heads towards her. Instinctively her hand had gone to hide under the table, brushing Will's thigh in the quiet hope that he would hold it tight. In vain. As if she were alone.

"Like the reason why you have moved back here?"

And then she felt it – firstly on her fingertips then spreading on her whole hand. Will's body heat as he grabbed her hand to press it under the table. Oddly enough, she had imagined that he would have been the one to reveal her pregnancy but for some reason, it seemed to be the exact opposite.

"I am pregnant. I am four-month pregnant. With Will's..."

"You have been sleeping together? I thought you had your period. You can't be pregnant if you actually have had your period!"

Jack's reaction took her aback but her eyes remained on Grace – the way she seemed to stare blankly at her plate. Silent. She looked pale.

"We aren't sleeping together. It is an artificial insemination. And... As for my period well, I was wrong. What I mistook for it was just a common bleeding some women experience at times, especially during the first months of their pregnancy."

"Congratulations. I hope you two have a wonderful, completely dysfunctional family. Now if you will excuse me, I have... I have better things to do with my time than talking with a coward and a bitch."

Grace's words hit the air with harshness and matched the way she stood up, grabbed her bag then went to the door of the apartment. For long seconds a heavy silence floated above their heads – as if Grace's reaction had been unexpected when it couldn't match more logically with her temper.

"You were his plan A, Grace. You were his plan A and I am his plan B. You fell in love, married Leo... Why should Will renounce to his fatherhood if you have decided to make your life with someone else? Why should I not be having a child with a friend, just as you had planned in the first place in case you didn't find the right one? You can reproach us all the things you want but that. We waited before telling you and Jack about it because it didn't work the first time and... And the truth is, there was nothing less sure than the fact it would work now. You have no idea what it is to have lost it all. A marriage... Being pregnant... I love you to pieces but you can't take that away from me. I am sorry. This child... This child means everything to me. Starting with the reason why I am here, breathing. Because you don't know it – you don't know how it feels like when you are said that you might be sterile. That it might be too late... It breaks your heart for feeling so pointless. Deal with it Grace. Because I won't change the slightest thing for you – not for this."

**She left – slamming the door as if my words hadn't hit her head. I never regretted saying so. She might have been my friend and I didn't want to hurt her, I still needed to be honest. After a while Jack turned out to be ecstatic but as much as I was trying to answer his questions, my thoughts were all about Gracie. I couldn't afford to lose her – nor Will. She was my friend. Her presence by my side was indispensable to the rest of my life.**


	9. Dead End Path

**Chapter nine – Dead-End Path**

She heard the beeps of the machines even before opening her eyes – and a latent pain that pressed on her temples. A headache close to the migraines she used to have once just after her father had died. The years had taken them away but all of a sudden it seemed like they were back. Unexpectedly enough. As if her instinctive reactions hadn't abandoned her completely, her hand went to crash in front of her eyes to protect them from the light as a moan escaped from her lips. She wasn't fine.

"You didn't need to freak me out so I finally accept the fact you are expecting Will's child."

Slowly she turned her head around and stared at Grace sat down on a plastic chair by her side. The wall behind her was white – impersonal like the one of a hospital. And the smell of disinfectant – all around that wouldn't go away. All of a sudden her heart began to beat faster and she realized that she was lying down in a bed that wasn't hers.

"You passed out at the office. I called an ambulance and they brought you here at Mount Sinai. You are doing fine apparently. It is just some low blood pressure."

She was at the hospital. Looking all around, Karen had to come to the conclusion that Grace was right and telling the truth no mattered her own brain remained in a blurry land of nothingness. A sudden pain hit her in the stomach. She made a face and brought a hand to it. The flesh was tensed there – too much obviously.

"How is she? How is she doing?"

For long seconds she stared at a perplexed Grace – not that she could blame her friend. After all nobody had revealed the baby's sex so far. It drove everyone crazy but Karen had insisted to keep it under silence for the rest of her pregnancy. Except perspectives had changed and she couldn't care less about stupid – childish – secrets now.

"The baby. It is a girl. How is she doing?"

Grace stood up – staring blankly at Karen's stomach – then approached the bed carefully as if a sudden movement could break it all down into pieces. Confusion had invaded her mind, along with pain and a sort of resignation she had kept on since the day she had left Will's apartment angrily.

"She is doing fine, just fine... It is a girl?"

Karen nodded in silence – her hands instinctively caressing her stomach. The day before, she had felt a kick on her left side. She had just sat down on the sofa next to Will to watch a movie when a quite odd sensation had made her gasp and move nervously. She had reached the fifth month of her pregnancy – just when things began to change properly. Except she still saw herself as a stranger to the baby. Not at all reassured by the slightest thing.

She let Grace's hand brush her stomach. As unexpected as the gesture could be. Since their altercation, they hadn't talked about the situation – hadn't made anything clear. The days had just gone by as if they were supposed to be. The baby moved against Grace's palm. She jumped – surprised – before smiling widely. Perhaps it would take time for her to accept everything and leave behind her very own past but all of a sudden the resentment seemed to have vanished to leave them in peace.

The door burst open – breaking down the quietness that had been floating above – as Will stormed in. His steps led him straight to the bed and without a single gaze for Grace, he grabbed Karen's hand before planting a kiss on her forehead. His other hand had slid down her stomach as if led by logic and an old habit.

"Are you okay? Are you thirsty? You are thirsty. Of course, you are. Who wouldn't be? How come you don't have a bottle of water around? Wait. Stay calm. Grace, can you please go for a glass of water? It is obvious she is thirsty. Get her some drink."

Since the day she had told him about her pregnancy, Will had been extremely attentive – too much to be honest but it was a sweet thing to experience by his side. For the first time she was cared about even though she might have vanished in the background to his eyes. Because it was all about their child, she knew it. If she hadn't been pregnant, he wouldn't have rushed to her hospital bed like that.

Grace stepped out of the room quietly in search of a glass of water. As the door got closed, Will planted a new kiss – this time on Karen's temple. Every time they touched, it made her feel dizzy and awkward but it was all she was thinking about in the end. The exact moment when his lips would touch her flesh and she would shiver – blush subtly.

"I talked to the doctor when I arrived... Apparently you are doing fine, the two of you. Though you will have to stop going to the office for a while. You need to have a rest and stay in bed. You have a too low blood pressure so they keep you until tomorrow morning. Just in case... I will come and pick you up by then, alright? I have taken my day off as soon as I got Grace's call."

She was about to reply but his words swallowed her very own ones before she had time to do so – then crashed everything down with strength.

"I have to call Vince now and let him know that you are fine. I am supposed to see him tonight. Do you remember? It is our fourth date together... I am glad that you are fine enough and I don't need to cancel anything. If something more serious had happened to you and the baby..."

**He kissed me again though the contact remained bare and cold. One more time he would leave me behind and enjoy a night out with someone he could picture entirely in his life when I would never be a part of it – no matters I was having his child. I hated it, deeply. Cruelly. But didn't say a thing... Because we weren't married – didn't belong to each other. Will was the happy one who had the chance to meet someone when I as the one who stayed in bed alone by night, crying in the dark.**


	10. Behind The Door

**Chapter ten – Behind The Door When Everything Is In The Dark**

They had passed the door and he had hold her hand – putting down their suitcases on the floor by the closet. The grip had been firm but soft enough as his thumb had caressed her own fingers with an odd, peaceful pace. His gesture might have taken her aback completely, she had remained quiet and gladly accepted it. It was touching – an attention she hadn't received for a long time and the truth was that she missed it pretty bad. After all, she had nobody in her life. Since her divorce with Stanley, there hadn't been a day – not even a second – that had offered her the opportunity to get closer to someone. And her nights had been terribly empty, cold and sad.

Perhaps it was a way for Will to hide his nervousness before his family – his parents. If he had said to Marilyn and George about her pregnancy, it had only been over the phone and not through a real face-to-face. Like now. Visiting for the Fourth of July sounded cliched but they hadn't found a good excuse to turn down the invitation. Besides trying to escape a situation that would end up happening seemed vain anyway. So they had packed and made it to Bridgeport, Connecticut.

For someone who had never had a proper family spirit, finding herself sat in the living-room and facing so-called cousins' gazes on her stomach was a strange situation to live. It made her feel shy if not a bit embarrassed and uncomfortable. Will's hand on her thigh not helping that much.

"I will be right back."

Restraining a gasp of surprise as Will planted a kiss on her temple, Karen looked at him leave for the kitchen with his mother and aunt. He wasn't being merely attentive anymore but preoccupied – gentle. She would have lied if she hadn't said that she appreciated it. His behavior might have been unexpected it was still pleasant enough – secretly desired, perhaps.

Not that she was holding hopes. Will was dating Vince for quite a while now and even though she had an only wish – that it was just a fling – their story was obviously a serious one, unfortunately. She was being jealous for absolutely nothing. And she knew it. But deep inside, she couldn't help being scared of what it would mean if Will ended up finding someone. She would be left alone, with a child that he would gladly look after from time to time and this what not what she had in mind. She wanted a family, a real one.

Perplexed but charmed – if things went on like that she would rush straight in a wall of bricks but she simply couldn't help it. Not now. Her pregnancy made her feel fragile, vulnerable. And terribly lonely.

"You are due in November, aren't you? This child is going to be lucky. I couldn't imagine a better father than Will. You got the right one."

Karen lost herself in a sort of thank drowned by timidity and placed a protective hand over her stomach when she never did it. At times Jack insisted that she should try to speak to the baby but she remained bare by then – completely blank before the mere idea to do so. She wasn't a good mother so far and it dragged her down. Fortunately, the dinner got ready and instead of trying to make conversation with a cousin from George's side she rushed away to the backyard where a long table had been set.

And once again – during all the evening – Will multiplied the gestures of attention towards her. From a stolen kiss on her temple to his hand looking for hers under the table, the hours flew away in a numbed bubble of interrogations. The fireworks lit up her face and one more time, she let him do as he passed his arm around her waist – quietly inviting her to rest her head against his shoulder. She did.

…

"Are you okay in there?"

His voice made her jump and abandoning the contemplation of her reflection in the bathroom mirror, Karen turned around to fix the door. For some reason, she had assumed that she would have her own bedroom – the house being big enough – but at the last-minute she had realized that she would actually share Will's bed for the night and she wasn't ready for that. Under other circumstances perhaps but not being five-month pregnant. Not like that.

Reluctantly, she stepped out of the bathroom and made her way to the bed timidly. She didn't wear the slightest makeup, had abandoned her contact lenses for glasses and had had to put on a tank top instead of her usual satin blouse for her stomach being too large, now. She hated her body changes – felt lost in them, in search of her identity.

Quietly she settled next to him in bed and grabbed the book she had been reading. Just like him. Except her eyes didn't manage to fix on the words and the pages. Instead they slowly abandoned the book for his own one and observed his fingers – the hands that had touched her earlier. He had been sweet – too sweet to not mean the slightest thing.

Then it happened – all of a sudden. Without thinking it twice, she let go of the novel and turned around to face him. A hand slid on his thigh – pressed it – as she straddled him and began to suck on his ear in a way she knew that nobody could resist. She felt him jump of surprise under herself but while his hand was about to grab hers, she simply invited him to caress her hip.

Cupping his face with her free hand, her lips abandoned his ear for his cheek – his jaw. Slowly enough she was making her way to his own lips announcing thus an upcoming, long-awaited kiss. Her tongue brushed his lips and she was about to make the last inches vanish between their mouths when his hand grabbed her elbow. In a firm gesture, he pushed her away.

"What are you doing, Karen?"

**I have rarely felt so embarrassed in my whole life. His gestures had been calculated but not in the way I had imagined – and hoped for. His mother had simply taken him aback, announcing with a barely contained pride to the rest of the family that we were together and thus were about to have a child. Because it was a classic scheme, not a shameful one. He hadn't dared to reply or ruin her plans. He hadn't had a thought for me, a romantic one. At no moment. We turned off the lights. I held back my cries.**


	11. It Could Happen To Be You

**Chapter eleven – It Could Happen To Be You**

The only moment she was longing for in the summer was the evening when the heat slowly vanished in a delicate breeze – a soothing one. The oppressive sun finally abandoned its embrace on bodies and you could breathe again if not just live. She might have experienced it for numerous years already it did seem even truer now that she was pregnant. The high temperatures were hardly bearable by day, even if she remained at home. Her skin was tensed and the slightest movement tended to make her lack air.

Taking a sip of her drink, Karen heard the door got closed but remained laid down on the chaise lounge of the terrace. She had adopted the habit to spend her evenings there for quite a while now – reading some book, observing the sky and its stars in silence. Since the embarrassing moment she had lived at Will's parents' place, she had preferred to take her distance with him and choose the world of literature over some shared movie. It sounded safer – less humiliating.

"What is your poison?"

She smiled at him as he appeared by the French window and leaned on the frame hands in the pockets of his jeans. It was early – too early for a date. They both knew it and the disappointment that could be read on his face betrayed it cruelly.

"Apple juice... Probably another craving, I suppose."

"You don't have cravings."

He was right. Just like her absence of emotions before her pregnancy, she hadn't developed any of the very cliched symptoms most of books and magazines mentioned. If it hadn't been for her stomach and the kicks the baby gave, she wouldn't have noticed the slightest thing. Making room for Will to lay by her side, she closed her book and contemplated the sky. The moon was high though hidden behind a veil of clouds – just like the stars. At times the traffic below came to trouble the quietness of the terrace in an odd, bewitching melody. Almost some sort of lullaby.

"Aren't you back a bit early?"

With a gesture of the hand Will dismissed her question. Obviously his date with Vince hadn't gone well which seemed to have happened more than once lately. Many times he had come back to his place with a strong frustration and a silence that sounded too loud not to be noticed. Somehow Karen couldn't help being happy – in spite of what it meant. Not that she had anything against Vince but he kept her away from Will and she couldn't stand it.

"What are you reading?"

"Going back to the essentials... _And Then There Were None_."

She had picked up the Agatha Christie novel on his shelf – on a reminiscent impulse. She had read the novel more times than she could remember but it was alright and soon enough the familiar text had rocked her with peace and warmth.

"I needed something light after _Sophie's Choice_. This one wasn't a very smart move from me. Not now that I am expecting a child, that is."

Her remark made him smile and she shrugged lightly at it. A jazz song suddenly invaded the terrace. It came from an upper floor – just above their heads. A nice, delicate background to a summer evening in the city, between friends.

"I like the name _Sophie, _what do you think about it? We haven't alluded to it yet but maybe we should start discussing this."

"_Sophie _means _Wisdom_... I am not sure it is really appropriate if we consider my temper. Yours, perhaps indeed. Eventually..."

"Though I hope that she will have your graceful features."

If the compliment made her blush – taking her aback – the way he bent over her stomach to brush it of his hand then his lips got her to freeze. Multiplying gestures of attention towards her and the baby had become part of her day-to-day routine but a simple caress. A few words. Certainly not a kiss.

As her eyes found his, she couldn't help but frown – perplexed and confused. An amused smile on her lips she was about to say something when she felt his hand slide on her waist, his leg coming to rest on her inner thigh while his face approached hers – going back to her level. She began to panic carried on by a wave of extreme confusion but nonetheless let him do. Because she wanted it. Because it was all she had ever wanted.

He shouldn't have been doing this and she should have pushed him away – in a perfect world where it was paramount and vital to follow conveniences for being aware of consequences. But his lips brushed hers. With timidity and care. Until they kissed. Properly, fully. Her hand traveled up his arm as she felt his fingers on her nape – caressing her jaw as they deepened their embrace.

He had argued with Vince. She was a mere rebound. She knew it. But still, she couldn't care less at the moment.

Breathless, Will left her mouth for her jaw – her neck. The clouds had gone away and the moon was shining high in the sky now. Confused, she stared at it for a while as his trail of kisses down her skin aroused an inner flame she had spent so much time burying down just in case. She had missed human touches – a flesh-to-flesh contact that stirred up a hundred feelings. She would spend the night in his arms and shivering against him taken away by their long caresses. There wouldn't be a tomorrow. Not yet. She preferred to not think about it. His lips made it to her breasts. She arched her back – sighed in the quiet night.

**It is strange to appear naked before a friend's eyes – to let him brush the most intimate parts of your body. The pleasure is other by then. Intense, I would say. Unless it is just me and personal ideas that this night left on me. My curves had changed because of my pregnancy and the truth is that as much as it wasn't easy to accept such nudity, I was glad that it had to be with Will. The jazz music stopped after a while though I had kept it in mind like an old treasure we cherish through the years - sentimentally. We had kissed on Lena Horne's song: _It Could Happen To Be You._**


	12. Thereafter

**Chapter twelve – Thereafter**

He was in the kitchen brewing tea – turning his back at her and listening to the morning news on the radio. Like every day. Except the previous night had been different – completely different. Their night, to be more exact. An odd but delicate and sweet first time from which she had just emerged lost among the sheets of his bed.

Tightening her grip on the shawl covering her shoulders, she leaned against one of the French doors – smiled peacefully. No mattered she was dreading the upcoming scene.

"It is raining..."

Her voice had sounded low and shy. She blushed – rather instinctively as Will turned around and stared at her in silence for a few seconds. They hadn't talked that much since the evening before – barely some words whispered in the intimacy of the night vanishing in sighs and kisses. Perhaps because there was nothing to say at the end. Nothing that deserved to be mentioned and even less discussed properly.

"Jack called an hour ago. He will pick you up for lunch as planned. My mother being in town today I am about to leave. I have prepared some tea. For you."

She was disappointed. If she couldn't say it out loud then she was still in her rights to murmur it to her own self because it wasn't a lie. They might not follow the exact definition of the word 'couple', it was not an excuse to pretend that nothing had happened either. She wasn't looking for an explanation but it tasted bitter on her mind – harsh to ignore things to the point of playing a role even when not in public. She didn't like it and even less how Will was pretending it was just another morning.

"Thank you. Jack wants to go baby shopping this afternoon. Not that I can blame him but it seems a bit early... I don't know. What do you think?"

"As long as you avoid pink clothes... It will be just fine to me."

Accepting the tea mug he tended her, Karen locked her hazel eyes in his brown ones – didn't make any comment whatsoever. She wasn't angry but felt immensely humiliated. No mattered she knew the rules and that the shades of this morning had been rather expected. He didn't move – and seemed to hesitate but if in a movie the phone would have rung or someone would have passed the door, reality offered a different version. Not an abrupt one. On the contrary.

Will made a step forward and planted a kiss on her cheek – brushing the corner her lips. With care and sweetness. Almost as a gesture of apologies for the silence over their night. Then he left.

…

"This weather is depressing... All this rain in mid-July, it shouldn't be allowed."

"I am afraid that Tavern on the Green won't be the same in these conditions, indeed. Nor weekends by the ocean. Instead curling up by a fireplace with a book seems to be the perfect activity to succumb to."

Picking up a French fry with her fingers, Karen turned her head around and observed the room – trying to overlook the windows of the restaurant but the place was crowded and their table too far to ever see the slightest thing. Although it still rained as constant black shadows of umbrellas were passing by on the sidewalks outside.

"So... What kind of baby shopping would you like to do?"

Jack's question wrapped her mind only to leave a veil of confusion over it. The last events of the night and the morning hadn't left much room to such thoughts – even less the desire to do so. She shrugged and took a sip of her water missing the taste of wine on her palate.

"I don't know, some books perhaps."

"Books? Dammit, Karen! You have read every single parental guide published on the market. Don't you think that it might be time for you to actually cross the lines and leave behind the abstract world... For something more concrete?"

"We still have time for that. I am barely five-month pregnant, Jack. Nothing is..."

"Five months and a half. Almost six, as a matter of fact. Wanting to have a child is one thing but now it might be time for you to assume the fact that it is finally happening. In real life and not just in a fantasy of yours."

She couldn't blame him for his words. To some degree, he was right but the problem went beyond all of this and she was unable to face the facts – even less accept them properly. What if she gave birth before her due date? What if all of a sudden she woke up holding a child against her? She wasn't ready for it – not at all.

Chewing another French fry slowly, Karen frowned – looking for an answer to give but Jack didn't leave her enough time to do so.

"If the two of you don't change soon, I really wonder what kind of parents you will end up being. You... Facing motherhood with a frank panic and Will... Making things so serious with Vince that they are going on vacations together for three weeks in August. By the way, how do you cope with this? I can't believe he has decided to leave you for almost a whole month while you are expecting his baby."

**He hadn't told me. At absolutely no moment did Will have mentioned his summer vacations away with Vince. I felt hurt when Jack told me about it - completely by accident. Hurt and left behind as if I weren't that important at the end. And perhaps I wasn't after all. An artificial insemination – an artificial relation. A bitter parallel that I had no choice but to accept. In silence. Again.**


	13. The Distance Makes Differences

**Chapter thirteen – The Distance Makes Differences**

Feeling Grace's insistent gaze on her, Karen put down the magazine she had been reading on her lap and looked up at her friend – raising an eyebrow to the mysterious stare. She hated when people did so. It made her feel embarrassed and nervous. As if something was wrong about her and she hadn't figured it out yet by herself. Besides, it reminded her of a time when things were tough – sad.

"You aren't going to spend your whole summer on this sofa just because Will left. Stand up, go out and enjoy a drink in the shadows of some parasol!"

"I am six-month pregnant. I honestly feel better here laid down in a cool place than outside facing these high temperatures New York always has in August."

Will had left four days before early in the morning. He had called from Greece when he had arrived – just to know if she was doing fine. If the baby was alright. Then nothing more had come from it and he had found some pitiful excuse to put an end to the awkward conversation.

They had slept together throughout July with a randomness hard to accept given the circumstances. In the meantime he had kept on dating Vince – officially when she found her place in the dark behind the thick veil of lies they came up with. Then one day while he had been preparing their dinner, he had told her about Greece and his vacations with Vince. Will was coward at times – ashamed as well perhaps or lost. She wasn't sure. Though she didn't like it that much and yet couldn't resist him either.

"Are you tired? We could go for a walk or to the restaurant one day if you want. There is a new Italian on 34th that I would like to try."

"Alright but not tonight because I actually have plans. I am seeing someone, at The Rainbow Room."

"Who is it? Do I know him? Or her..."

"It is Stan."

Rolling her eyes, she let the words brush her lips before making it to the air in a melody that didn't have the right keys. But she pretended to not notice it and ignored everything about it. She had met Stanley midtown a week ago by Carnegie Hall. Surprised to find him in Manhattan instead of The Hamptons or Martha's Vineyard, they had begun to talk then settled down a dinner for a reason she still couldn't get.

"Oh come on, Karen... Just because you are angry with Will since he left with Vince you decide to take some revenge on it and plan a dinner with your ex-husband? This is so cliched. You can do better and you know it. Will has been lost for a while – sleeping with you, sleeping with Vince – but it is a matter of days before he realizes what he feels for you. That you are the one – not Vince."

If the beginning of Grace's sentence had stirred up some anger, the rest simply made her freeze and she didn't know what to say or what to do. Her movements weren't as quick and fluid as they used to before her pregnancy and rushing out of the room seemed thus impossible. Instead she was trapped there on a sofa – a few inches away from her friend who had taken her completely aback. Grace took advantage of it to go on.

"Oh please, we aren't that stupid. Don't you think that we have noticed your bed always made even in the first hours of the morning? And... I don't know, it seems so evident! Like your gazes. They are loud, too much to balance with your lies. I wouldn't be able to say when it all started – Jack thinks about July – as I live in Brooklyn now but still... And I don't mind. I mean, not really. Not too much. It is almost rather logical now."

"He doesn't love me."

Her very own comment surprised her. Instead of throwing a fit led by frustration and guilt, Karen had let a strange truth embrace her. Her latent fears and wonders remained quiet suddenly finding a sound in the air. And they were harsh – bare. Grace sighed and rolled her eyes.

"Of course he does. You are his child's mother. He can't but love you already – more than anyone else will ever do. Believe me."

…

She came back to the apartment around midnight – rather pleased by the evening spent with Stanley. It had hit her suddenly while alluding to the life they had shared together for so long: she missed it. As a matter of fact, she hadn't seen anyone since the announcement of her pregnancy and she would be lying if not saying that she missed socialite parties – events and charities. Perhaps people there were only acquaintances but still, she had been wrong when trying to ignore them once and for all. They were part of her life till the end. And it was time to go back to them.

**I didn't see it, focused as I was on my wonders about the socialite sphere. For months I had tried to convince myself that this world wasn't made for me and all of a sudden everything crashed like a house of cards. So easily. Besides I was tired and didn't think about checking it – the answering machine. It stands by the kitchen counter. I didn't go there that night but headed straight to bed instead. In mine, not Will's. This is how I missed the red light indicating a message had been left. I found about it in the morning. I still remember the contrast between the delicacy with which I pressed the button and the harshness of Vince's message. Will had had an accident in a local bus and had been rushed to the nearest hospital – unconscious and critically injured. **


	14. Ghosts From The Past

**Chapter fourteen – Ghosts From The Past**

Her eyes lost in the contemplation of the backyard, she nodded with determination then let a sigh of relief embrace her lips. After numerous visits, she had finally found the right one – the only place she could actually picture herself live in, throughout the years and even perhaps the decades. It was a small townhouse typical from The Upper West Side close to Central Park – two stories, two bedrooms and a fireplace in each. The last days of August had been bringing along the pale veil of rain, but the light of the sun nonetheless pierced through the large windows with a delicate warmth. Turning around to face the realtor, she smiled at him and passed her hand over her stomach as the baby kicked.

"I take this one."

The man smiled back but seemed to hesitate – balancing on his feet nervously. Politely enough, Karen waited for him to reply and perhaps explain his sudden embarrassment. Children passed on the street – their laughter piercing through the open window of the living-room.

"And the father?"

"There is no father."

She had got used to the question and even more to the answer she was supposed to give. To an extent, she even liked the snap it left in the air and the way it confused her interlocutor. After all she had never liked fitting into the crowd – to disappear among a hundred faces as if she didn't have her own identity. And if for a long time she had assumed that a classic family scheme was the best for a child, given the last events of the summer she actually had changed her opinion.

"I mean... He will come to see her, from time to time."

Her comment made the realtor blush as if his question had been full of a non-professional curiosity and his potential client had felt the obligation to give him an intimate explanation. She restrained a smile – walked to the man and tended her hand for a handshake.

"When can I sign? The sooner the better as I have already told you. I don't want to stay at the hotel any longer and that as much as the service is impeccable. It isn't a place for a child."

…

"You don't like it?"

Putting down the pictures of the house on the coffee table of her suite, Karen looked at Jack – worried. She had expected enthusiasm from his part. This energy that emanated from him whenever he stepped into a room. But instead he had remained quiet and bare.

"No... I mean, I do. It is just that..."

Anticipating his words, Karen stood up and walked to a French window that overlooked Central Park – her arms crossed against her chest in frustration. Would they ever accept her decisions? And stop this endless speech about making mistakes she would regret soon enough. She was an adult and wanted to be treated like one – with the responsibilities that a future mother had to assume.

"Not today, Jack. This is supposed to be a happy moment and an important step in my life. As a friend, you should be supportive instead of always trying to get me back to Will."

"But he is the father! You can't do that to him, not now."

"Oh... When, I suppose, he can behave as he has been doing since he came back from Greece. You are right, I am the one with the bad role in all this mess. We had an agreement."

"You hadn't settled any."

"It was an implicit one! And he didn't respect it. He never did, as a matter of fact."

A cloud came to hide the sun and for a few seconds the living-room of the suite became darker – colder as well. It would rain again before the end of the day as if the summer had already abdicated to the fall. A lack of will, perhaps. Before Jack's silence, she felt the urge to say something – anything.

"Besides, I don't prevent him from seeing her. We just won't live together. It is a tiny difference, almost nonexistent."

Will had come back from Greece two weeks ago with a broken leg and a broken arm. And Vince by his side – even more than before. When she had thought she had lost him once and for all, she had felt lifeless and empty – suddenly too close from what her own mother had lived when her father had passed away. Except Will had survived but not whatever they had shared for a few nights in July. The accident had made both men get closer – perhaps at a delicate moment in their relation – but she had been left aside with a disconcerting logic. That was why she had moved out and renounced to their plans.

"You are repeating your past, Karen – this past you hate so much. You deprive your child of a dad."

"You are wrong. Mine had died when Will is still alive."

**We hadn't talked but argued – endlessly as Will had come back from Greece and spent so much time with Vince. I didn't mind whether it was fair or not – whether we don't choose whom we fall in love – but it wasn't a reason to ignore me. Not after what we had lived. Not after he had kissed me one evening then asked implicitly for more. I know that I should have pushed him away that night but what if it had worked out, between him and I? What if Grace had been right and after a while he would have realized that maybe, I was the one? Instead it all went upside down and we drifted apart. In an angry silence.**


	15. The Taste of Independence

**Chapter fifteen – The Taste Of Independence **

As a gray cloud disappeared behind a wall of bricks, Karen realized that she would probably witness the scene a thousand times – leaned against the door frame that led to the backyard. Perhaps on some days she would be alone there but deep inside her heart she hoped that there would be someone by her side – that a presence would accompany her through the passing of time and the disappearance of some clouds. Even if she felt fine without anyone. Perhaps too much, as a matter of fact.

"I don't hate you."

She knew that Will was standing somewhere in her back – probably only a few inches away. The other guests had left when he had decided to stay. To help, as he had said. She had swept away with a gesture of the hand his offer – not caring that much at the end – and had headed to the backyard a glass of apple juice in hand. Her housewarming had gone very well while people had stuck to her desires to not turn it into a baby shower – because she didn't want one, found it stupid and pointless.

"I never said that you did."

"No, but you think so, Will."

The sweet nectar slid along her throat and eased her thirst though she would never get accustomed to it properly. She missed the taste of wine on her palate, the bubbles of Champagne embracing her mouth – the burning strength of vodka on her lungs. She might have wanted a child, it was obvious that she was not made for a pregnancy and all the restrictions it implied.

"I only wish that you had talked to me instead of running away like that. And not just for her."

If he had gone to her several times, Karen had meticulously avoided the slightest face-to-face with him. She wasn't ready for it – didn't want to discuss anything. Her. The word sounded loud in the air and she looked down at her stomach instinctively. They never alluded to the baby out loud – not directly as if it would have sounded too real, almost too harsh. His choice of words took her aback and she bit her lips in confusion.

"You hurt me. Is this really the opinion you have of me, a woman who goes into one-night stands and barely care about it even pregnant? You went for me. You kissed me. But you didn't even find an ounce of courage to tell me that finally you preferred to be with Vince."

Perhaps the fact that she was turning her back at him made things easier at the end because she used to bury her thoughts deep inside and what was suddenly happening there owned the taste of novelty in her life. Confessing her feelings was a tough act and a scaring one.

"I wish it were that simple, Karen."

"You are the one who makes things complicated here. Not me. Now if you will excuse, I am tired."

Without a gaze towards him, she turned on her heels – brushed him – and headed upstairs to her room. She needed some rest. Her stomach was tensed and she felt a bit dizzy. Since she had reached the last trimester of her pregnancy, her body had been suffering from it a lot more. Her heart as well.

…

"It might be time for us to do something about the nursery."

She had been reading in her bed for an hour now – listening from time to time to Will tidying the house downstairs where the party had been held. Then she had heard his steps approaching slowly and waited for her eyes to land on him as he would pass the door of her bedroom.

"Next weekend?"

She hadn't touched the second bedroom – barely opened it a few times but whenever she had done so, an odd sensation had spread over her body, making her feel nauseous. She had preferred to ignore it at the end if only for a while. She might have taken her distance with Will, she knew that anyway it was something they were supposed to do together – because she was his child, too. Because Karen lacked courage to face it alone. One more time.

"Your ultra-sound picture is scheduled on Saturday morning so we could go afterward. Unless you had other plans, of course."

She didn't like the way Will knew so well about her agenda. For some reason she found it intrusive and made her freak out. Since when was someone supposed to be interested in her like that? To the point to know the most intimate detail about her life.

"No... That is fine. I won't be here on Friday night though. I have a charity event at the MoMA."

"You should slow down on these for a while. You are pregnant."

"Pregnant, indeed. Not dying."

A sharp pain ran through her lower back – taking her by surprise. Immediately she abandoned her mock and made a face while bending over. Will rushed to her side and passed a hand on her stomach.

"Are you alright? What is it?"

Concentrating on her breathing she slowly laid back on the pillows then sighed – swallowing hard. She hated when it happened especially in the middle of the night when it woke her up and she found herself alone in the house. What if one day she needed someone's help – what if one day it became serious?

"It is just a contraction. No big deal... I learned how to deal with it during Lamaze classes."

"You go to Lamaze classes? With whom?"

Her eyes stopped on his for a few seconds and scanned his question. She hadn't told him about it – for the last events having led to a delicate relation between both.

"Nobody... I go there alone, by myself. Twice a week."

**Somehow I still think that I shouldn't have told him. Because I remember the pain in his eyes – the guilt he was feeling as my words led him to realize how many things he was missing about the pregnancy. The first contacts with our child. And it would never get repeated. He wouldn't have a second chance and knew it.**


	16. Delicate Connections

**Chapter sixteen – Delicate Connections**

_You don't look happy. You aren't happy. I can tell it – feel it. There is no need to lie to me. I know you are trying to hold back your tears. Talk to me. Please._

Will stepping into the bedroom with a tray in hand took her out of her daydreams – her mother's words resounding loud in her head – and sat on the hardwood floor, she smiled at him. He hadn't changed his plans. Not that it surprised her – after all she knew that he was a man of determination but still. She had convinced herself that he would call at some point during the week to come up with an excuse and they would postpone the nursery shopping. Perhaps she had actually wanted to – in spite of all. Confusion had spread over her mind for quite a while now and tended to transform the slightest detail into doubt.

"You are running out of tea."

"I am only allowed to have herbal tea, now."

Accepting the mug he tended her, Karen went to settle down against the wall – among pieces of what was supposed to be a crib. The scene was odd. They almost looked like a family – a real one, just like in her dreams. Except something sounded wrong and artificial. Something was missing.

"Are you alright?"

Will's tone betrayed a sudden fear. Barely a month had gone by without her talking to him and yet the sensation they had missed a lot together – broken down a fragile, established connection – that had left them with missing pieces. He ignored things about her pregnancy as she probably didn't know others concerning his own life. It was disturbing.

"Theine made me nauseous and seemed to set off contractions so I had to switch to herbal tea. "

As if to accompany her explanation, she took a sip of the hot beverage and stared blankly at the floor in front of her. They hadn't argued about the choice of the furniture – nor about the colors. On the contrary they had agreed immediately and the morning had flown away peacefully.

Sometimes she liked thinking that it would always work like that with him. They fought over subtleties but overcame their differences for the most serious aspects of their existences. And that was why they could do it – raise a family, together. They got along no mattered how fragile their connections were.

"How is Vince? I didn't have a chance to see him this week."

Politeness. Nothing else. If she had had to be honest, she would have recognized that the mere mention of his name hurt her for constantly bringing back the complex ramifications of their relation. She had no choice but to accept it though. She knew it. And nobody would know how much her efforts cost.

"I don't know."

Will's answer took her aback and she couldn't help but frown before landing her eyes on him properly. She had felt too tired lately to go to the office and thus had missed conversations with Grace who used to keep her updated about everything. Besides Leo was back from a mission which meant she wouldn't hear from her friend for quite a while. Jack had stopped by a few times yet without saying anything. He had been too focused on an audition that would take place in a couple of weeks.

Will's guessing her surprise, he simply shrugged – took a sip of his own herbal tea mug – and avoided her gaze. He looked uncomfortable.

"We are on a break. An unlimited break."

She had opened her mouth to reply when it happened. A sharp pain ran down her back – too sharp to be a mere contraction like the ones she had had until then. She bent over – closing her eyes – and heard the sound of her mug hitting the hardwood floor which made her realize that she had let go of it under the effect of surprise. Will was there by her side but his words seemed to come from a far distance and she could barely hear him at all. The room turned dark.

She lost track of time – numbed in a world of blurriness where nothing made sense anymore. Voices all around like the echo of a life she was slowly losing as the beats of her heart dangerously slowed down. Then she floated – felt her body leave the ground with a disconcerting easiness. Someone was probably holding her hand because a wave of heat came from there and spread to the rest of her body.

Delicate connections. To life – to Will. All of a sudden Karen realized that perhaps nothing was meant and she would die just like that on a rainy Saturday of October. Not alone though – not loved either. A strange sentiment took possession of her foggy mind and she began to cry in silence. She wasn't scared but sad while floating above what seemed to be her past life. She hadn't had time to accomplish it all – to give sense to her days. It was too early. It would always be.

**And there – suddenly – I realized that I could be losing a lot more than my life or Will. I was due in a month a half. It was too early to give birth – too early to ever imagine that it could already be over. A miscarriage. Statistics were in my favor but what were they exactly apart from bare, cold numbers on a sheet of paper? It still could happen – still did, as a matter of fact. Every day – all around. I just didn't want to believe that I could live it too because accidents only happen to these strangers we see on tv. Or so... Delicate connections that the ones allowing us to breathe.**


	17. Behind The Window

**Chapter seventeen – Behind The Window**

She had never liked numbers nor the incidence they seemed to own over people's lives. Because she felt vulnerable then – not in control when she should have, or at least in her head. Just like now. If she turned her face around, the calendar on her bedside table would remind her of the lapse of time left – a cross per day until November, 7th. By then she would be allowed to breathe and feel relieved enough as she would have given a maximum of chance to her baby avoiding thus a neonatal situation. Except she had a hold on nothing – not even her own body and all she could do now was stay in bed hoping to actually make it to this date.

"Here come the brownies..."

Abandoning the contemplation of a tree by the window, she looked at Will as he stepped into the room with a plate full of brownies in hand. He was still limping – slightly enough. His summer injury seemed to take its time to fully recover but he never complained. Never mentioned it.

"Thank you."

She brushed one of the small cakes with her fingertip – observed them with embarrassment. They had been baked for her when a few hours ago she had asked for some and as much as she had thought about nothing but them until now, all of a sudden her craving had vanished.

"You don't want brownies anymore, do you?"

"I am sorry..."

"It is fine."

"The baby is pressing on my stomach and it makes me feel nauseous now."

She let Will take the plate away – put it on her bedside table before settling properly on the bed by her side. Since she had been rushed to the ER two weeks earlier as contractions had set off the labor a bit too early, he had decided to move to her place as soon as she had been released from the hospital with the obligation to remain in bed all day long. Getting to an agreement with his office, he had managed to obtain the right to work from her place leaving only a few hours a week when a meeting was required. It was strange to see him so much - so often.

"Are you having contractions?"

Shaking her head, Karen looked back at the window – how the colors of the leaves had melted into the melancholic shades of the fall. It had rained a lot too since she had come back home. She had learned to like it. At least by then the drops falling down the window did change the monotone landscape she saw from her bed.

"I hate it. I hate being pregnant – I have always hated it, since the very beginning. I don't like any of the modifications it brings along and... Everything."

She had been thinking about it a lot lately – probably more out of boredom than anything else. The idea had firstly floated above then settled down in her mind with a harsh strength. A bitter sensation. What kind of mother would she be if she couldn't stand her pregnancy? She hadn't imagined that it would be like that – at no moment. And yet she couldn't enjoy it properly.

"Everything will be alright. You don't have to worry."

She wasn't made for maternity. As much as Will would try to back her up, she knew that she had come to her very own conclusions and nobody would manage to make her get new ones. She missed every single thing from her past life – stilettos, cigarettes, alcohol. Freedom. This one was the most important she had lost. All of a sudden she felt tied to a completely different path – without any reference. It was just like starting it all over again after decades of efforts to have finally become someone. She would never be one of those mothers she had seen in Central Park or at a coffee store – the ones who seemed to do so fine, so easily. She should have resisted to her ridiculous whim.

"What kind of parents are we going to be? Let's face it... We are too lonely to ever take care of a baby."

He hadn't alluded to Vince anymore – not a single time. And the truth was that she was too coward to actually ask him further details on their separation. For some reason she assumed that they would get back together soon enough because it was how it had worked between the two of them until now. She would remain alone – for having a child, for not being that young anymore. And every single day she would look at them with a cruel envy – a deep anger towards herself for feeling that way about what sounded like a mere impossibility.

He kissed her. Without any warning. His lips brushed hers as his hand slid on her nape with delicacy. Taken aback by the gesture, Karen let him do – her gasp of surprise dying in the depths of his mouth. But as she was about to respond to the gentle touch, an odd sensation on her thighs made her freeze – sped up her heartbeats. Panicked, she broke apart and began to breathe loudly.

"My water broke."

Her insecure voice sounded loud in the bedroom – swept away by long seconds of a heavy silence. She felt his hand leave her nape and the heat of his body take its distance with hers as Will stood up looking for his cell phone.

"I call an ambulance immediately."

"No, no you can't. It isn't November, 7th yet. I don't want to go. I... I haven't given her all the chances she deserves. We have to wait. It is only two weeks. Just two weeks..."

**But he didn't listen to me – thankfully enough, should I say. Giving my condition, an ambulance was supposed to come and pick me up to the hospital as soon as my water would break. Doctors had said so – Will had followed their recommendations. As if it were logical. As if there were no other choice. By the time the paramedics arrived, I had had a few contractions – not so intense, though. I looked by the window one more time thinking about all the things I was leaving behind – Will's strange kiss, my fragile existence if he ever left me. It wasn't raining outside but still. All of a sudden the landscape I had been observing from the depths of my bed didn't seem as monotone as it had been - behind this window.**


	18. From A World To Another One

**Chapter eighteen – From A World To Another**

Patience was a trait she had never managed to approach properly. For the slightest decision in her life she had constantly rushed into things – barely caring whether it would work or crash. Perhaps at some point she might have wished it had been different but the years passing by Karen had understood that she would never be any other way around. If a situation didn't go fast enough then it went on her nerves and within a second it was over – in her head. But all of a sudden – laid on a hospital bed and trying to face latent contractions – she had no other choice but to accept being patient. Because it would take a lot of time – and pain, maybe – before she finally held a new-born baby.

"I should have taken a book to kill time."

Her comment surprised Will but brought along some relief while breaking down the odd silence left by the nurse as she had exited the room. The situation was awkward. Not because Karen was about to give birth to a child but because they had kissed before being carried away by a wind of panic and now that it was all slowing down they were left with nothing but the obligation to face whatever had happened.

"What have you been reading, lately?"

The conversation was surrealistic – headed by their desperate efforts to sound casual when the sound of their voices kept on betraying their inner discomfort. A long beep coming from the monitoring machine caught their attention for a few seconds but nothing happened – nobody rushed in to tell them to finally get ready. The baby's heart was beating fast and following its very own, strange cadence.

"As a matter of fact I have just finished..."

Another sentence she would never finish as Grace and Jack entered the room timidly. It was odd to see her friends there by her side. She might have had nine months to fantasy about this exact moment, she wasn't ready – barely assumed the fact that she was the one about to have a child. It should have been Grace – for being young, and married. Not her the little rich, self-centered woman between two ages – with a broken life.

"There was some bloody traffic from Chelsea to here. Anyway, how are you doing? Is everything alright? Are you in pain? You are in pain, I can see it."

Grace looked anxious – talking over and over as if she were dreading the silence that would eventually push her to face a situation she didn't know how to deal with properly. She had accepted Will's decision to have a child with Karen but like everyone, it had seemed so far – not that concrete. Until now and it was weird.

"I am waiting for the epidural... But nobody seems to want to show up and nothing happens. It is long – and boring."

The hours passed by and Karen's patience melted into pain and fatigue. The contractions were getting closer but the baby didn't seem to be ready yet to show up. The night had fallen over Manhattan for a while when a sharp sensation in her lower back made her moan and cut her breath for a few seconds. A machine set off an odd sound – a loud one. Immediately a nurse came in and at three in the morning put an end to the long wait.

Things went too fast like in a cheap movie where a thousand images seem to melt into each other one. Within a few minutes Karen found herself in the labor room with Will by her side. There wouldn't be an epidural. It was too late for that.

"Are you alright?"

Will's uncomfortable murmur to her ear as the medical staff was preparing the room didn't find a way to back her up. She looked up at him and swallowed hard. She was scared before the unknown – before this new world she was about to enter without being certain to ever succeed. What if she failed?

Then it happened – almost suddenly. Her short breath resounding loud in her heart, she heard the cries and looked blankly how the midwife put down against her a new-born baby. A girl – her daughter. For a few seconds Karen stayed still – frowning, confused before what was happening – but as Will grabbed her hand so they made the first contact with the baby together, she forgot everything. Her doubts – the sleepless nights she had spent wondering whether her decision had been wise. It would work, it had to.

Will had just left the room to follow one of the nurses who took care of the baby when a machine began to beep loudly by her side – next to the bed. Taken aback, Karen turned her head around and looked at the machine with confusion. The beats of her heart were going fast. Too fast. Trying to lean up on her elbows to speak to one of the nurses, the room started turning around and she had no choice but to lay down back immediately. She was feeling tired. Too tired.

"She is bleeding a lot... Karen, how are you doing?"

"Dizzy. I... I feel dizzy..."

She hadn't seen the nurse talking to her – barely heard the voice as hers had brushed her lips in an inaudible whisper. She was feeling weak – distant from the scene as if she were observing it from a dream. Then it turned black. Suddenly.

**Lena. Her name would be Lena because the night I asked Will to be the father of my child, a song by Lena Horne was playing in the background. The exact same one as we kissed for the first time. Lena... This is all I remember having said to Will as our daughter was against me – and the most timid proposing for him to stay at home with me permanently. He kissed my forehead and went away from me. Then I ceased to be.**


	19. Epilogue

**Chapter nineteen – Epilogue**

They should have stayed at the hotel where the reception had been held instead of coming back to a house that all of a sudden seemed to have lost its soul. At least from an impersonal place the world kept on turning as if nothing had happened – as if they had gone on vacations for a while as they had done so many times in the past. The three of them. Together.

Karen stepped into bed and stared at the wall in front of her, letting the murmurs of the day – the soft brouhaha that had wrapped her up – leave her body slowly while a wave of melancholy spread quietly. If there was one thing that motherhood had made her despise, it had to be the passing of time – how it took one's best moments to turn them into a pale cloud of memories that soon enough weren't anymore at reach.

"Do you remember the day we came back from the hospital? We were laying down here – on this bed – with Lena between the two of us. I was tired and still recovering from my haemorrhage and she was so tiny sleeping here. Just here. Do you remember what I told you then?"

Will finally slipped into bed – took his glasses off. He was wearing them a lot lately. Too much to ever pretend that twenty years hadn't gone by yet.

"That you wouldn't marry me – never."

It made Karen smile softly. They hadn't alluded to this moment but let it go away like any other that by then hadn't seemed to own the slightest importance. Who would have guessed that two decades later it would come back to them on a cold evening of November?

"That I would never marry you because I loved you. Because my perspectives had changed – the whole world, actually. I saw it now from Lena's eyes and what I had taken once for priorities looked suddenly like ridiculous details that didn't do anything but made us waste time in a life that was too fragile."

In a fluid – well known – movement, she settled in Will's arms and frowned at nothing in particular but the wonders that were dancing in her mind. Obsessing cadence that sounded loud. And odd against her heart.

"I tried to teach her about the essential things in life – all along – but even when she was very young it had already made it to her head. She would get married at the age of twenty. And today she did..."

"Oh come on, Karen. Don't be so dramatic. What kind of little girl never dreamed about getting married by the age of twenty? When they are five, they just think it is a long time ahead of them. You know that Lena had to if she wanted to follow James to Bali. They have been together for six years. When he got this teaching position there, they both knew they didn't have a choice but get married."

Lena hadn't got a scholarship for Bali and for not wanting to live away from her boyfriend, they simply had decided to get married. Then – as his wife – she would be able to follow him everywhere and yet keep on studying Archeology.

"You thought that you had lost me, right? The day I gave birth to Lena and passed out for bleeding way too much... You thought that you had lost me and you would be alone for the rest of your life."

Will didn't like talking about this moment and what had happened at the hospital as he had left the labor room with the nurse and Lena. A couple of times Karen had tried to mention it but before Will's latent silence, she had always given up. Until now.

"You are here in my arms now. That is all I know, Kare."

"But still... I passed out and didn't have time to even think that I might have been losing you except as Lena gets married now – gets a whole brand new existence to live – I have this feeling. As if every single piece of this world was about to fall down and... And... I hate it."

They had done everything upside down with Will. First a child then eventually started dating before – very slowly – settling down as a couple and parents. Confessing her most intimate feelings was still an aspect of their relationship she hadn't got used to even after all these years. Probably because of their patchwork of relation – pieces of moments connected to each other without following an expected and classic scheme. But it had worked out so far – oddly enough, perhaps.

"Karen, would you marry me?"

"No."

She locked her hazel eyes with his brown ones and frowned – taken aback by his sudden question. He hadn't talked immediately but taken his time as if to ponder the words he had been about to use. Lost, she shook her head – asking implicitly for an explanation. Will simply shrugged and kissed the top of her head.

"See... Some things will never change. Because they are meant to be. Bali or not Bali - with or without a wedding. The most important things remain."

"Hopefully..."

**I used to laugh at women's interviews in magazine when they claimed that motherhood changed everything. But they were right. They are right. The moment Lena made contact with my chest, I understood what these women meant. Your perspective change when you have someone else's life between your hands. The whole world change and evolves according to your child. The rest has no importance anymore. I am not an exception to the rule. The world according to Lena is strange but unique and addicting. It is my life. The reason why I am here.**


End file.
